Your Tears
by xPockyNoMikox
Summary: If Christmas is a time for miracles, can two uncertain pilots admit their feelings for one another? 1x2


DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gundam! Sad but true…

****

I never felt alone, I was happy on my own  
and who would ever know there was something missing

I cracked the door open gently, careful to make no sound, and peeked inside. The room was still smothered in darkness, but then, it was barely morning. Sunlight had just begun to stream through the windows, though Heero was oblivious to it. I'd learned long ago that though he woke at the slightest noise, he slept very deeply –another one of his Perfect Soldier traits. Which made it very easy to surprise him. If you were quiet

Slipping in the room, I cautiously made my way to his bed, careful not to get my braid caught on anything. I'd done that once, and my cursing had woken Heero before I even got near the bed. I stopped at the side of the bed and –after moving his gun out of his reach– crouched beside him. 

When I was certain I hadn't woken him while entering, I pounced. Heero woke with a start as I landed on top of him, alert and reaching for his gun. When he finally took the time to look up at me, he quit his search for his weapon and glared daggers.

"Mornin' Hee-chan," I laughed.

My sitting on his chest made it difficult for Heero to cross his arms, so he pushed me off –though he only succeeded in pushing me onto his legs– and sat up, still glaring. I met his Prussian eyes with a grin. "What the hell are you doing, baka?" he growled.

"Getting you out of bed," I said indignantly. When Heero's frown never wavered, I leaned forward until our noses brushed. A shudder made its way down my spine and I moved away slightly. "It's Christmas!" When Heero still looked up at me skeptically, I sighed in exasperation. "That means presents!" Scrambling off the bed, I dashed back out into the hall, then turned and poked my head back in the other boy's room. "So get out of bed!"

I rubbed my nose where it had touched Heero's and smiled a bit wistfully before sauntering down the hallway. I decided to bypass Trowa and Quatre's room, one because I knew it was their first Christmas together and thus was special –and I was jealous as hell– and two because waking Wufei was so much more fun. 

"Fei-fei," I called in a singsong voice, pausing outside his door. "Wu-chan! Ya awake?" There was no reply from the other pilot's room. I grinned and entered.

__

I guess I didn't see, a possibility  
It was waiting all the time but it never crossed my mind  
till you opened up my eyes

"Maxwell!"

Wufei's voice echoed through the safe house, thoroughly waking Heero and sending Duo racing down the hall, giggling madly with his braid streaming behind him like a tail. Heero shook his head as the door to the other pilot's room slammed shut. Wufei appeared outside his own room, scowling.

"Either you get him reassigned," the dark-haired boy said, arms crossed over his bare chest, "or I'm going to kill him." Throwing one last glare in the direction of Duo's room, Wufei disappeared, leaving Heero alone once more.

Heero sighed quietly and watched Duo peek carefully out his door, then race downstairs once he'd assured himself that the vindictive boy was gone. Quatre and Trowa were the only ones exempt from Duo's pranks, for the braided pilot was reluctant to interrupt any time the two were able to share together. The lives of the Gundam pilots were far from easy; the war was still being fought, and they were on the front line more often than not. It was a rare occasion when all five of them could be together like this without having to worry about an assignment.

But then, Christmas didn't come every day.

They had been granted them a short vacation, none of them receiving missions for the holiday. It wasn't exactly a cease-fire, for tomorrow both Duo and Trowa had missions. Quatre was worried sick; neither pilot had received an easy assignment. Trowa's was infiltration and Duo's, eradication.

_How fitting,_ Heero thought. _Another murder mission for the Shinigami._

Death was Duo's forte, the area of war he excelled at. He'd accumulated more kills than half of OZ' army put together. Despite his happy-go-lucky demeanor, murder was second nature to Duo Maxwell.

Why, then, didn't Heero want him to go on this mission?

  
_Now all I think about is  
you, in my life, in my dreams  
in my heart I know it's true that I belong with you._

I dashed down the stairs, nearly falling in my haste to get to the living room. The safe house wasn't very large –a kitchen/dining room, a living room, one bathroom, three bedrooms, and two small storerooms that Heero and Wufei had claimed as their own. One of the bedrooms, however, was now free; Quatre had moved his few belongings into Trowa's room. No one had claimed it yet.

I had been secretly hoping that Heero would take it, for it was adjacent to mine. I never voiced the thought, though. Not only was I unsure of what Heero's reaction would be, but I didn't want to put him in danger. I couldn't eradicate my feelings for him; I'd tried it already and failed miserably– how could you not love a guy in Spandex? But, I could keep them hidden and so keep him out of Fate's reach. After all, I was the Shinigami; anyone close to me was killed. And I refused to let that happen to Heero. I was content to watch him from afar.

That's what I told myself, anyway.

But then I would see Quatre and Trowa share a tender kiss, and all my barriers would crumble. Jealousy wasn't foreign to me, but I'd never experienced it this fiercely before. I would sacrifice anything for just one kiss, anything except Heero, that is. Which is why I knew I'd never get that kiss.

Quatre and Trowa were sitting at the kitchen table when I completed my flight down the stairs, and I gave them a small wave before heading into the living room. Though Heero had scoffed at the idea of a Christmas tree, Quatre and I had gone out and cut down one of the small bushes that surrounded the safe house. Small and sparse, it was a pathetic sight, decorated only with colored string and the gifts we had gotten each other. I loved it.

I nearly dove into the heap of gifts, searching for the one I wanted. Quatre's voice somehow made it through the pile of paper and boxes, telling me to wait until everyone was together. Finding the present I had been searching for, I sat up. Wufei had already joined the other pilots at the table; now all we were waiting for was Heero.

"Heero!" I shouted, still clutching the gift. "Get down here!"

The other boy descended the stairs, sending a scowl my way before turning his back to me and making his way into the kitchen. I remained on the floor, bouncing slightly as I waited for the other four pilots to finish their breakfasts. Too excited to eat, I told them to hurry up as I looked down at the present in my hands. I hoped it proved to be as pleasing as I thought it was.

  
_Because of you in my world, in my arms  
I have everything, and I can't imagine what I'd do this Christmas _

without you  


Swallowing the last of his coffee, Heero reached for the pot to pour some more. He was enjoying watching Duo pout, cradling his presents to him like a child; Heero had never celebrated Christmas before meeting the American, and he was beginning to regret not meeting the boy sooner. Duo made every day interesting, but Christmas was different somehow. He supposed even the Perfect Soldier was allowed to enjoy himself once in a while.

"Uh-uh!" Duo shook his head emphatically, braid lashing behind him. "I'm not waiting any longer! Get over here now!"

Quatre laughed and tugged Trowa over to the miniature bush that served as their Christmas tree. Wufei rolled his eyes as Heero made to follow, but the Chinese boy grudgingly made his way over.

Heero was assaulted as soon as he dropped down to the couch by a wildly grinning Duo. The braided boy thrust the present he had been holding into Heero's hands and told him to open it, then knelt expectantly at his feet. Surprised and somewhat bewildered, Heero tore off the colorful paper and opened the box, lifting out the object carefully.

"Do you like it?" Duo asked almost shyly.

Heero flicked his gaze to the other boy's and resumed examining his gift, not answering. It was a leather holster for his gun, polished until its black surface shone in even the dim light. Heero couldn't imagine how much the item had cost, let alone how Duo had obtained the money to purchase it. Or why.

A movement beside him drew his gaze up; Duo shifted nervously on his heels. "Well?" he prodded.

Aware of the others' eyes on him, Heero nodded slowly, confused by the odd tightening in his chest. "Arigato," he said, then blinked at the breathless quality of his voice. _What is wrong with me?_

Duo grinned and jumped up, violet eyes sparkling, then began digging through the pile of gifts again. "My turn!" he yelled.

Thankful that the uncomfortable moment had passed and the attention was turned away from him, Heero sat the holster on the couch beside him, but couldn't draw his gaze away from it. Compared to this, his gift was worthless.

Heero watched in silence as Duo tore through his presents, then watched expectantly as Trowa and Quatre exchanged gifts. Emotion glittered in Duo's eyes, but Heero was unable to name it. The American glanced over at him, and Heero looked away, ashamed of being caught staring. The other pilot's unusual behavior intrigued him; every time he caught a glint of emotion in Duo's eyes, the other boy would hide it behind his usual façade before Heero could attempt to interpret it. But Heero was sure of one thing –sadness lurked behind that mask. 

Heero realized with a shock that Duo's sadness distressed him, too.

  
_I never thought love would be, such a curiosity  
what a attracted you to me was so unexpected_

When all the presents had been opened and all the others had left –Wufei to exercise and meditate, Heero to get on his laptop, and Trowa and Quatre to their room to, ah…– I laid back on the floor amidst the gifts I'd received and closed my eyes. Wufei hadn't bought anything for any of us; but then, that was Wufei. I don't think any of us expected him to give us gifts, and we probably would have died of shock if he had. Trowa had given me a black jacket to replace the one I'd ripped on a previous mission along with a blade sharpener, and Quatre had bought me a new throwing knife and sheath. I toyed with it idly.

_It's sad_, I thought to myself. _We'd all agreed that this was one of the best Christmases, and yet all we received were weapons._ I sighed, exhaling loudly. _That's what war does to you._

I hadn't received anything from Heero. I supposed I should have been content with simply his presence, for it wasn't often that the Perfect Soldier deigned to participate in human activities, but I had selfishly been expecting something from him. Even a 'Merry Christmas' would have been nice.

Despite all my reservations, some part of me had been hoping for a miracle. After all, wasn't that what Christmas was all about? Dreams coming true, hopes being realized, love blooming under the mistletoe? _Ha! Right. Like that's gonna happen. Heero doesn't love me. He didn't even get me a Christmas present! I'm just hurting myself by doing this. He'll never be mine. No one can belong to the Shinigami._

Still, it hurt that Heero hadn't gotten me a gift. I had thought we were closer that that. With the war, none of us knew that this wouldn't be our last Christmas; I guess I had expected Heero to think similarly. My mission tomorrow only served to throw that fact into sharp relief. It hurt that Heero didn't care as much as I did.

I sat up quickly as a flash of memory played through my mind. I'd caught Heero wrapping a gift a few days ago, though I hadn't taken much notice of it. But he hadn't given any of us a present.

This new thought sent me scurrying up to the other pilot's room. I entered without knocking –I was probably the only person in the world who could get away with that and live. Heero was sitting at his laptop, typing; he was most likely hacking into some OZ database. He never even glanced at me, and my resolve began to waver. Who was I to question the Perfect Soldier? No one expected Heero to give out presents –except maybe Relena– even at Christmas. Why should I be any different?

I sat down on the end of his bed, swinging my legs nervously. _Che. This isn't like me. When am I _ever_ speechless?_ Bouncing slightly, I leaned back on my arms. _The hell with it._ "Ne, Hee-chan, why didn't you get me a Christmas present?"

  
_But it was waiting all the time and it never crossed my mind  
till you opened up my eyes_

Heero froze for a moment, the rhythmic sound of his typing faltering. He'd seen the hurt look on Duo's face when he hadn't received a present from Heero; he should have expected the American to question him about it. Still, the question caught him off-guard. No one ever questioned him, not even Duo. No one had ever dared. Had he really upset the braided pilot so much?

He was typing randomly now, simply hitting keys to keep Duo from seeing his the conflict that raged within him. He'd bought Duo a gift, but it couldn't compare to the expensive present Duo had gotten him. He'd wanted to buy something special, something that would show Duo how he felt without him having to sort through the maelstrom of emotions inside him. The fact that Duo had a mission on the day after Christmas had affected Heero deeply, making him realize how precarious a hold on life they all had and giving him yet another reason to treasure any relationship he could build while he had the chance to do it.

But what if Duo didn't see the meaning behind the gift? He'd never played the game of love before and was uncertain of the rules. He knew his feelings were unnatural according to the rules of society, but then, no one had yet chastised Trowa and Quatre. The looks of longing and envy Duo shot them had not gone unnoticed by Heero, but he wasn't sure he could offer the braided pilot what he wanted.

"It's okay if you didn't," Duo said, breaking Heero out of his reverie. "Don't feel bad. Wufei didn't get anyone anything, but then, I think Wufei would rather have us all dead…" The other boy was rambling now, Heero could tell. Duo could never keep quiet for more than a minute or so, but, for once, Heero didn't mind. It kept him from delving into his doubts and gave him a reason to interrupt Duo's chatter.

"I did," he said, effectively silencing the other boy. Sliding his chair out from his desk, he reached into a draw and pulled out a small box. Not offering any other explanation –not trusting what he would say– he handed the box to Duo and sat back down.

His heart raced as the other pilot stared at the gift for a moment before opening it slowly. Heero let out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding, he hands clenched at his sides. _What is wrong with me? I'm acting like…_ He realized the aptness of the simile he had been ready to make and blushed, glad that Duo wasn't looking at him at the moment. _I'm acting like a lovesick teenager._

  
_Now all I think about is  
you in my life, in my dreams   
in my heart I know it's true that I belong with you  
_

My hands trembled slightly as I ripped the paper off the gift Heero had given me. I knew the high expectations I placed on this gift would only send my heart crashing down once again, for Heero… was Heero. Even if he did feel something toward me, his Perfect Soldier attitude would never allow him to express it.

But, he did buy me something, which was more than the others could say. Did that mean anything? Or was it just a gift from a friend? I supposed I should have felt honored that Heero considered me a friend, even though my heart wanted so much more.

I could never have it anyway. I was the Shinigami.

Colored paper fell away to reveal a small black box that looked suspiciously like a jewelry box. My heart throbbed, but I firmly squashed the feeling. "What is it, Hee-chan, an engagement ring? Aw, you're so sweet," I said, forcing a smile to cover up the rapid beating of my heart that I was powerless to stop. A faint blush on the other pilot's cheeks made up for it.

I lifted the lid off the box and inhaled sharply, nearly dropping the gift. Carefully, I picked the object up and examined it, almost afraid to touch it. It was a silver hair clasp, studded with amethysts and onyxes. I couldn't imagine Heero ever buying something like this, and it only increased the pace of my heartbeat. For once in my life, I was truly speechless.

Heero never moved from his seat, but I saw him shifted uncomfortably out of the corner of my eye. I looked up to meet his eyes and smiled, a genuine smile. I tugged my braid across my shoulder and untied the simple cord I had holding it back. The ends of my braid began to unravel and I reached up to grab them only to have Heero stop me. I hadn't seen him move, and his touch startled me.

"Matte," he said. I met his Prussian eyes, spine tingling, but determined not to give into them. "I've never seen your hair down." His voice was low and uncertain as if he didn't know whether or not he wanted to continue. He let his gaze fall to the floor.

My breath caught in my throat, but I forced it through. The only thought that came to my mind was the cliché "pinch me, am I dreaming?" This was what I had fantasized about for the better part of the war, and now my fantasies were turning into realities.

I was sure he could hear my heart screaming as I pulled my braid out of Heero's hand and fastened the clasp around it, all the while avoiding the other pilot's gaze. No matter how much I wanted to be with Heero, I wanted him alive more. To get close to me was tantamount to signing your own death certificate. I wouldn't allow that to happen to Heero; too many people needed him in this war.

Silence reigned between us for several minutes. I waited for Heero to say something, anything, and I blinked in surprise when he simply turned and walked away.

Was this really what I wanted? Could I live with myself knowing that I had the chance and let it go? Emotions were roiling through me like wind lashing out in a storm. I was torn between needing Heero and wanting to protect him; I wanted both equally, and choosing either one would rend my heart in two. I shook my head, tears flinging through the air. _None of us are going to survive anyway. Shouldn't we enjoy the time we have left?_

"Heero, matte!"

__

Because of you in my world, in my arms   
I have everything and now I can't imagine what I'd do this Christmas 

without you  


Heero froze just short of the door, but didn't turn around until Duo had closed the distance between them and pulled on his arm. Tears filled the other boy's eyes as he leaned forward, pinning Heero to the wall and wrapping his arms around his waist; they spilled over when their lips brushed.

Shocked, Heero could do little more than let Duo kiss him. He slowly melted into it, his eyes falling shut, as he realized that this had been what he'd wanted all along. His unnatural fear for the American, the pain in his heart whenever Duo was unhappy, all these things had only been indications of his feelings for his fellow pilot. He'd been a fool to ignore them for so long.

Duo removed one arm from around his waist without breaking their kiss, and suddenly a curtain of silk fell around them. Heero's eyes snapped open as Duo's hair fell around them, enclosing them in a veil of chestnut strands and saccharine aromas. Duo pulled away slightly, smiling sadly through the tears still lingering on his cheeks. 

"Gomen, Heero," he said quietly.

Frowning, Heero reached up hesitantly to wipe the salty droplets away. "Doushite?"

"Because…" Duo shook his head and sniffed. "Because I can only put you in danger. I'm the Shinigami. Everyone close to me dies."

Uncertain of how to proceed, Heero merely shrugged. These were uncharted territories for him, who had never dared call anyone even a friend before Duo. He didn't know how to get rid of the tears in Duo's eyes, only that he wanted to. "I'm not going to die. I have a mission to complete first."

A spark of hope bloomed in Duo's violet eyes, and some of the sadness drained from his smile. "What mission?"

Heero leaned closer, unsure of what he was supposed to do but feeling that this was right. His lips brushed the other boy's ear. "Make sure you never cry again."

Duo laughed softly, a single tear making its way down his cheek. Heero frowned at it, but Duo silenced his protest with another kiss. "Don't worry," he whispered, settling his head on Heero's shoulder. "These are happy tears."

Christmas wouldn't be the same without you…

A/N: Geez! Why is it that I wind up posting all my Christmas fics _after _Christmas? Gomen nasai… R&R please!


End file.
